More thoughts about 2.0

I'm going to put this behind a cut. Not because of pictures but because this will go into further thoughts surrounding my miscarriage. Some may not want to read about such things and it's easier to skip with a page cut.


This is kind of going to be a little stream of consciousness, so I'm sorry if it jumps around or if I go over the same things over and over just in different places at different times.  

Three weeks seems like such a short amount of time. I mean it can be. But when I think about all the conversations had and dreams and plans and just... Everything that happened... It seems like so much longer.

Rob said if only I hadn't tested so early I never would have known. I really didn't test early. I was a week late. If I hadn't tested I would have been a month past due for my period and I really probably would have tested EVENTUALLY whether it had been at the point that I did or not. He then commended me for knowing my body so well. Well, it isn't necessarily that I know my body so well, it's just that I knew what actions had happened, how long before, when my period would have been expected, how I felt and that I was experiencing either prolonged PMS or the same symptoms I experienced with Xavier (which was prolonged "good grief why hasn't my period started yet I feel like crap and just want it over with!")

I'm unsure if it would have been more traumatic to have had the miscarriage and not known I was pregnant or to have had it happen the way it did that I knew what was happening. Sure it would have saved us a lot of money as I know that doctor visit and ultrasound (x2 since they did one to make sure everything passed) and progesterone supplements (over $80) and family pictures to announce the pregnancy ($50 + $18 big brother Tshirt) not to mention the tests themselves ($15) all wouldn't have been spent. And if I hadn't tested I wouldn't ever have had the ultrasound that I saw the heartbeat.

But considering how graphic it was... That I SAW the embryo (and there would be no mistaking what it was. The placenta was also pretty obvious but would have been more easily overlooked) I really think that would have been worse to have not known what was happening.

I think knowing that I did everything I could, and that I was taking what care and precautions I could to make it a good pregnancy, there is less guilt than if I hadn't known. Not that I would have done anything bad or that would necessarily have compromised anything, but there would have been more scrutinizing and wondering "What if" or "If only I'd known I could have done xyz." This way I know I did what I could, unfortunately these things just happen. 

Statistics are cruel. I've heard that 1 in every 3 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. I know three other women who all found out they were pregnant within days or a week of when I did. Statistically at least one of the four of us would miscarry. Not that I wish this on any of them! But it's just ... Strange... How really true it was. 

It was weird yesterday (12/20) thinking that just one week before I had seen the heartbeat and was sobbing for an entirely different reason. This pregnancy had not been planned. It was a "whoopsie." And a week ago I honestly had a tiny part of me that hoped I was wrong that I wasn't actually pregnant. Seeing the heartbeat made it real. Made me come to grips with what my "foolishness" and "carelessness" had done. I was worried about the logistics of having two so close in age. I wasn't happy. I desperately wanted to be happy, but I wasn't. And I felt guilty that I wasn't happy. 

So I sobbed the evening away. The next morning (a week ago today) I was fine. And I was excited and daydreaming again about my future. 

I know it was hormones last week. And shock and surprise. But I have to admit that now I have guilt for an entirely different reason. I know that this is irrational and not true but there's a tiny part of me that is saying this is what you wanted. You wanted to not be pregnant. You wanted there to not be a baby. Make up your mind crazy woman. 

I do NOT blame God. Not at all. I will say though that while I was in the midst of mis-carrying I was praying like crazy that God would let me keep it. That I was sorry that I DID want it so badly. 

I know though that it just wasn't meant to be.